Misogyny. It is not a word that we like to think about very much, but there is no denying that we are actively engaged in the misogynistic representation of women. Does it make any difference that we imagine ourselves in the subjugated role? Think about some horrible racial, ethnic or cultural stereotype. Now imagine that you are sexuality attracted by the thought of being said stereotype – is it still bigotry?
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Does it make any difference that millions of men enjoy pornography, visit strip clubs and the like? Are we not better than them? Well, let’s say on a scale from one to ten they represent one in terms of sleaziness. Would you be happy knowing that you rate a lofty two? We expect more from our friends, our families and the world at large, so why not start expecting more from ourselves?
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Boy, this is tough. What is a pervert to do? We suffer from an addiction and it is harmful, to our bodies, minds, lives and livelihoods, but like alcoholics, sudden withdrawal can have serious, if not lethal consequences. This is why I struggle so hard to figure out what makes me the way that I am, when perhaps the more accurate question is what makes my addiction the way that it is.
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The captioning does help, and the blogging does help. By sharing with you, and you sharing back, I have managed to learn more about myself… er, my addiction (so easy to confuse the two) and why things happen the way that they do. For example, when Ayesha shared her recent comments, my first instinct was to deny, deny, deny. I mean, she was only talking about one of my captions, but surely a thorough review of my archives would reveal… well, it would reveal that all my subjects are rendered utterly helpless and completely dependant on some mother/father figure. Good lord, she was right!
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Why am I so afraid of being autonomous and taking control of my destiny? I needed acceptance as a child, and envied girls for the type of attention they garnered. I also learned to resent them and wished to debase them, but was held in check by my respect and awe of women. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but all the pieces fit. Somewhere down the line, my sexual fantasy became a refuge, a shell, a way of dealing with the cruelties of the world. Subtlyamiss has commented that perversion becomes a perpetuating cycle of positive reinforcement, with no internal impetus for breaking. I am thinking more and more that she was right, too.
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Again, what is a pervert to do? I am still turned on by TG fantasy and probably always will be. Do I just need to accept my circumstances and make the best of things? I will keep blogging, and writing, for now. In the meantime, I need to do more thinking.
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On that note…
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